IS THIS FOR REAL?

Today I went to my final appointment with my RE. It's all over with him. He has graduated me on to the OB. It's bittersweet. I feel like the fertility center is so attentive to my every need, complaint, question, and/or request. I am so happy that everything worked out but I am still feeling like I will believe it when I see it. I had a lot of comfort in knowing that my RE and OB know each other very well! Does that sound crazy?
Infertility has engulfed my life for the past 12 months so it's hard to accept that your life will change for the better in just 7 months. In just 7 months this amazing little person will be in my life! It is hard to conceptualize that finally all my hopes, dreams, and prayers will be answered. I guess it's hard to explain unless you've been there and been through it all. Thanks for all your support, kind comments, and words of encouragement! I will definitely post a pic of my "bump" when it shows! Until then, I will probably write now & then!

Full Speed Ahead

Nothing new to report, everything seems to be going great! Today is 7 weeks 4 days, but whose counting? I still have some spotting from time to time. This completely freaks me out. It makes me have a lot of anxiety that something is going to go wrong. I guess after the year of infertility treatment its hard to accept that everything is okay! We've seen the heartbeat twice so I kow I need to calm down. :)

Heartbeat!

After more suprise spotting Friday morning, I called the Dr and went in for bloodwork and ultrasound. Guess what? We saw a heartbeat! WOW! It was unbelievable. Everything seems to be okay. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping and praying to get through the next 6 weeks as quickly as possible.

5 Week 2 days Report

On Friday(13th) afternoon I had a spot of red on my panties the size of a half dollar. Naturally, I freaked out! I called the DR and they said that this is normal, however, since my blood type is RH negative, I would need to come in to make sure that my body did not begin to produce antibodies against the fetus. According to Americanpregancy.org, “If you are Rh-negative, you can develop antibodies to an Rh-positive baby. If a small amount of the baby's blood mixes with your blood, which often happens, your body may respond as if it were allergic to the baby. Your body may make antibodies to the Rh antigens in the baby's blood. This means you have become sensitized and your antibodies can cross the placenta and attack your baby's blood. They break down the fetus's red blood cells and produce anemia (the blood has a low number of red blood cells). This condition is called hemolytic disease or hemolytic anemia. It can become severe enough to cause serious illness, brain damage, or even death in the fetus or newborn.” YIKES! So they had me come in Monday morning (16th of March) for an ultrasound and bloodwork and to receive this an injection or Rh immunoglobulin (RhIg), a blood product that can prevent sensitization of an Rh-negative mother. I was negative for the antibody screen so that was fine, and they gave me the injection so that took care of that.

Now on to bigger and better things…….THE ULTRASOUND! We saw 1 little sac!!! Yipeee!!!!! I can’t wait to see the heartbeat on Monday the 23rd! It will truly be a blessing! Much to my surprise they discovered I was suffering from OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome). My ovaries were very large and fluid filled. There was also fluid all around them! I have been soooooooooo bloated and peeing every 5 minutes and extremely nauseous. I thought that these were all symptoms of the pregnancy, but as it turns out it was because I had fluid in my abdominal cavity. They told me to eat salty foods and drink Gatorade but call if I feel worse than I did. The nurse told me that most women who had this amount of OHSS would have been in their office in tears already. I just didn’t know, I thought it was part of the pregnancy package and was trying to “tough it out.” Silly me.

My Beta HCG came back 3750 and my progesterone was 180!

Today is 5 week 3 days…….6 more days until I get to see the heartbeat!

Beta #2

Great news to report. HCG is rising nicely. It was 600 today! Progesterone was 141 which sounded high, but they said that's good. I go in again for bloodwork and my first ultrasound on Thursday the 19th! The nurse told me that they look to see the sac or sacs!?!?! Oh boy!

BETA DAY!

Sorry I couldn't post sooner but my doctor's office did not call me with my results until 5 pm yesterday! Much to my extreme suprise my BETA HCG was 323! That's a positive. I AM PREGNANT! I am cautiously optimistic though. I know all too well, that I can't jump for joy just yet. I have another BETA HCG tomorrow to make sure that everything is doubling the way it should be.
Yeah! Yipeeeee! I will feel a little better after tomorrow's result confirm everything is okay and I will feel a lot better after I get to see a heartbeat. So for now I'm on pins and needles hoping & praying!

Talk About Torture

Some call TORTURE sleep deprivation, water boarding, forced standing, or starvation & thirst. I call TORTURE having to go to a birthday party for 1 year old twins (conveived naturally) Saturday and a baby shower Sunday when my beta test is Monday for my 3rd round of IVF! On Friday, most of us are looking forward to the weekend, but today, I'd rather work all weekend. It seems so evil that God would have it work out this way for me. I did not POAS today still because I know I need to get through this weekend as all is normal. If I do and its negative, I won't be able to function. I will have Monday home to reflect and await my results.

No More

Last night I was so damn depressed about the POAS I fell asleep at 6:30 pm (granted I wake up at 5 am), but still this is not normal behavoir. The anxiety & stress of this wait has left me emotionally and physically exhausted. I've decided that I can't handle POAS again, so I will not do it at all anymore and will just wait for my beta. At least there's a chance still because maybe I've tested too early? I took Monday off (Beta Day)of work so I can have the day to myself. If I need to grieve, I will be home. I just hope I POAS too early. If not, I can't wait to stop taking the estrogen and the progesterone because it is clearly making me so crazy and unstable. NO MORE POAS for me!

Big Fat Disappointment

Well as you can guess by my title, I took an HPT this morning and it was negative. I am 8dp 3dt. Maybe its too early, but maybe not? Either way I am totally down in the dumps. I didn't even tell my DH that I purchased some HPTs or that I took one so I have to pretend like nothing is wrong. I think I will wait to more days and try to take one again on Friday. For now, I'm going to do some Google searches on the topic.

Guilty

So I was driving around at lunch running some errands & when I was finished I somehow found myself close to the dollar store. I figured I should stop in and buy some HPTs. I know that POAS is so emotionally difficult, but I am so impatient. This whole 2WW thing is for the birds. Too long. I am thinking that I will at least wait until tomorrow morning to take one. This will be 8dp 3dt. I am scared, but certain that I need to know.
I'm just going to go out on a limb and say that I feel pregnant. I'm not sure if its just because things went better this time (so maybe my mind is playing tricks on me)? Or if I really am? My skin is super clear and I've felt crampy for days. I just feel different.
So there you have it.......tomorrow I will be guilty of taking an HPT prior to my beta! I will let you know how that goes.

6 DP 3 DT or 1 Week To GO

I am 6 days past a day 3 transfer or 1 week away from my HCG test. I'm slowly feeling the urge to POAS (pee on a stick), however, I'm scared. The behavoir (POAS) is so destructive to your emotional well being, especially when it says NEGATIVE. Not that I'm speculating either way. In my mind I FEEL like something is going on in my body, but then again I wonder if I am just losing my mind?!?!? I think that it would be too early for a POSITIVE even if it was a BFP? Dollar store is around the corner from my work, so the temptation is there. I am going to try and hold off for as long as I can. TORTURE, but I'm half way there!

Good Things come in Threes

Good things come in threes is an old, old saying you've probably heard before. Many things come in threes such as past/present/future, one, two, three, ABC, etc. Okay you probably get the idea. Well, the reason that I write this is because I got a call from the embryologist today stating that 1 more good embryo made it to blastocyst stage. So we had a total of 3 embryos to freeze for our 3rd IVF. Happy, happy, joy, joy! Words can not express how excited we are! It's hard to explain if you aren't in the situation, but on our two previous IVFs we had ZERO embryos to freeze so this was excellent news. Back to reality and back to my 2WW. My beta test is on Monday, March 9th, it seems like that is forever and a day away. Yeah #3!

Shock of a Lifetime!

You better sit down if you are reading this! I am in total shock right now.....................

When we went in for the embryo transfer on Tuesday they told us that we had other 4,5, & 6 cell embryos (on day 3) left but none of them looked that promising. They said that they would grow them out anyways. Well they called today to say that we have two absolutely perfect blastocysts! They said that there are two more really good ones that they are going to give us an update on tomorrow?!?!?! At the very least we have two to freeze but maybe four! This has never happened before and the team at the fertility office seemed surprised and excited! I was expecting the same old phone call that they all just fell off the face of the earth and arrested, but WOW, they didn't. It is such great news for us. I was actually crying when I talked to my DH. I guess it is a small victory that means so much in my infertile world! I've read on so many other pages that persistance pays off and I am finally having a lot more faith that it does and will.

Embryo Transfer

Well I should be on my couch in "couch potato" stance but I figure updating this couldn't hurt anything. I had to call the lab today at 7 am to find out if we were coming in today for a day 3 transfer or Thursday for a day 5 transfer. As luck would have it, they asked us to come in today. We decided to be very aggressive for this transfer since it was our third time. We transferred 3 - 7 cell embryos with 15% fragmentation and 1- 7 cell embryo with 25% fragmentation, so four total. At least one has to be healthy and make it. They are growing the rest out in the lab to see if they make it to day five so we can freeze. I'm not holding my breath on that, but I'm feeling hopeful about the embryos in me......allright back to the couch!

Dear God

Dear God,
Please, please let this work. Please make my embyos develop in the lab. I've never wanted anything more than this...............................
So I fell asleep thinking about the lab and I woke up thinking about the lab and what is going on in there. Of the 25 eggs they retrieved, they were able to fertilize 20 of them! All 20 of them looked good yesterday, but in the past it all went downhill from day 1 to day 2. I am very anxious to hear how they are doing today and if I will be in tomorrow for a day 3 transfer or thursday for a day 5 transfer. I'm wondering if they will automatically do a day 3 since I've had two previous failures? Ugh...I better get to work so I can get my mind off all of this.

The Wait

My IVF clinic is about an hour away from my house combine that with a winter storm warning. The DH and I decided to leave the house 2 hours early so we got up at 4:30 am!!! We made it there in an hour and a half so that wasn't too bad. Egg retrieval went well. They retrieved 25 eggs! That is more than both my first and second time, so hopefully this time is the charm! I should be more excited, but since I've been in this wonderful world of IVF I realize that it means nothing until we show up for the day of the transfer and they break down the quality of what is left. So we will see. I am hoping that now that the DH's hormone issue is fixed that we will get a much better quality embryo. Please keep your fingers crossed for me! I will find out tomorrow how many out of the 25 they can fertilize so that will be the next step. Overall, I came home took a nap and feel decent, just a little sore. Now the waiting game begins for my embryo transfer!

ER Scheduled!!!!

Aaaahhhh!!! So I got the call that my ER is schedule for Saturday 8 a.m. (DAY 11 of stims). I am in the WORST mood ever because I feel so bloated and uncomfortable. I thought I'd be really happy and I was, but I got really bitter when the nurse told me that my HCG shot is a little different this time. She said "It's a bigger needle, which you need to inject intramuscularly in your buttox." WHAT?!!?!?!?!!? The past two times, I took the simple ovidrel shot which was just like the other ones in my stomach. So now I'm having anxiety combined with a headache. I'm trying not to have negative thoughts, but I can't help it. I know its the hormones. Sorry if I sound crazy, I just need to get through tonight and tomorrow, right?

So close, yet so far away.......

Yesterday afternoon the Dr. called and said my E2 was right on schedule at 1613 (day 7 of stims). I had to go back this morning for US & BW again and the ultrasound tech said I had a few eggs in the 20mm and the rest were in the 15-19mm range. He said most doctors would have me HCG trigger tonight (which means I'd be back their Friday for the ER), however, my DR. likes to push things out an additional day. It would clearly be more convenient to go in on Saturday because then I wouldn't have to take off of work, however, I am so ready to get this show on the road. I feel so full and bloated. I'm just overall cranky. So we will see what happens, I look forward to hearing from them this afternoon to hear what the Dr.'s verdict is! I'm so close, yet so far away.
On another note, I am bruised. It is weird because I'm not bruised or sore where my husband gave me any of the shots, I'm bruised on both of my arms from giving blood everyday. Ugh! Good thing were in for another shot of cold weather in the midwest, I can keep on wearing the long sleeve shirts!

Can you keep a secret?

So another day of BW & US down this morning. The office will call me later today with my results, however, the ultrasound tech said that in his opinion my egg retrieval will most likely be on Saturday 21st (Feb), but maybe Friday. Planning ahead for all this is what I find most difficult. I called my DH(dear husband) and told him this and he gave me this big speech how he wants this to remain a secret. We told our family and friends the second time we went through IVF and he said he felt embarassed and mortified that everyone knew our private business. This is understandable since the doctor primarily pointed the finger at him. That being said, I promised to keep it a secret from everyone this time.....mom, sister, BF. It is so difficult because I talk to my mom every morning and she calls and if I don't pick up, I need to think of a lie to tell her! I am a horrible liar. Saturday night we have dinner plans with some friends so my DH and I were trying to figure out which one of us would tell what lie to the couple if the egg retrieval happened Saturday! UGH! It just gets so confusing telling so many tales! These are the cards I've been dealt so I need to suck it up and deal with it right?
On another note, speaking of secrets....for the second time (today) I saw someone that I knew at the fertility clinic. It was a girl from high school who played on the basketball team. She would not even look at me after we recognized each other. I wanted so badly to tell her that everything would be okay because I know how hard this whole infertility thing is (3 failed IUIs & 2 failed IVF's). This was the second time I saw somone at the fertility clinic that I knew, but was not necessarily friends with. It just makes me think that SO MANY couples struggle with getting pregnant. At that moment it made me feel a little less ALONE. I thought there are so many other people out there with this SECRET too!

5 Days of Stims down, how many left?

On Saturday A.M. I went in for my first BW & US in my IVF cycle. I had 12 eggs developing on one side and 9 on the other side. My E2 was 483, which means I have some time still. I think you need to be around 2,000 for the egg retrieval? I took 150 of Gonal F and 75 of menopaur for 4 days and then on Sunday the Dr had me reduce the Gonal F to 75. This morning I went back in for another US & BW and I am awaiting the results. My largest follicle was at 18 while the smallest was about 8. The rest were at varying amounts in between. I'm guessing they will have me start the ganirelix shot tonight (which prevent ovulation in the antagonist method). I will be back at the DR office tomorrow for more tests (US & BW), I will keep you posted. Have a good day!

I have to admit......

I'm feeling a little bit crabby and off today. I just feel like the slighest things are really getting to me. I am just overly emotionally. I know its the extra hormones. I don't know how to explain it, but I just don't feel like myself. It sucks. So last night the DH went out and I did the shots myself. I went for my leg over my stomach and all went well! I went to bed super early. I have my US and BW tomorrow a.m. and I'm anxious to see how that will go. TGIF!

First evening of shots is over!

My DH gave me my first two shots last night (gonal-F and menopaur). It was a piece of cake. My DH insists on giving them to me, which is very sweet. I realize how lucky I am to have him. Today I feel good. I feel extra happy which I attribute to the drugs. I also feel my ovaries tingle slightly. I felt this the other two times so I know that this is normal. I’m guessing based on my last two IVF attempts that my egg retrieval will be either February 20th or February 21st. I will have a better idea when I go in for my first US on Saturday, February 14th though. I’m feeling very anxious, but I plan on doing things to keep myself busy to make the next week fly by. I mostly just want to get the embryo transfer over with because it always seemed like everything was going good until we got the transfer then it all went downhill in our two previous attempts! Please say a prayer for me!

Stim Day Begins!

Well, I had my Bloodwork (BW) & Ultrasounds (US) yesterday and all was good! I'm ready to start the stim medications this evening. I am doing the antagonist protocol this round of IVF. This is the method that I did the first time. It seemed much quicker than the lupron method, which I did on the second attempt. I'm really excited and trying to maintain a positive attitude. DH and I haven't even really talked about it at all because we just don't want to obsess over every detail. After three days of shots I will be back at the doc for BW/US on Saturday. I am just praying that this will be the end of the nightmare for good.

Recent Publicity

I'm a couple days closer to starting my 3rd IVF round.....I can't help but think about the negative publicity that IVF has received due to the California Octuplets. It infuriates me that one selfish, irresponsible woman can represent and potentially destroy the image of IVF treatments for the rest of us out there. There are so many loving couples with jobs and homes ready to care for children who are unable to have their own child because of a medical reason. Millions of couples are facing infertility. One woman without a job or a home gets to go and have 14 kids through fertility treatments. It's insane. It angers me. It's so unfair. Such is life.

I wonder if.......

As I prepare for IVF #3 emotionally. I wonder if I should have seen another reproductive endocrinologist for a second opinion? I wonder if that would matter? Our current RE has over 25 years of experience. He seems to know what he's doing, but has not been successful with us. He acted like we were a slam dunk when we first met him. I wonder if someone else would be able to offer us another strategy? More insight? More advice? I just wonder if our RE is missing something or if this whole process is just trial and error?

A new beginning

So, I am starting to write in a blog because I am terrified to go through IVF #3. It's not that I physically can't handle it, I just am so scared of failure again. I am scheduled to start shots in 8 days. I'd like to share my story. In order for me to write every day and about this experience, I feel like I have to start backwards.
In March 2008 my husband and I visited a local fertility clinic for testing. He was 33 and I was 29. We were told that the reason we could not conceive was because my husband had a strict morphology number of 3% and I had a minor luteal phase defect. We were told that there is "nothing" that can be done for morphology and that LPDs are an easy fix. The doctor looked at us and said confidentally, "this is a piece of cake, you will be pregnant by the end of summer." That exact moment has played over and over in my head, I can't seem to let it go. We would spend the next three months (May, June, and July) going through IUI, all which were unsuccessful. In August we decided to go for our first IVF (23 eggs were retrieved, 17 were fertilized), and at the day 5 embryo transfer there was 1 embryo left which was not that good of quality. All the nurses and everyone we met with that day seemed shocked, so we felt like something was horribly wrong. I did not become pregnant. After meeting with the doctor, he again seemed confident, and assured us that trying something new would make things better so we decided to go right into IVF #2 in October 2008. In IVF #2, 17 eggs were retrieved and 14 were fertilized. We were so hopeful. They requested me for transfer on day 3 this time. They said the embryo quality was even worse than the first time, but they would transfer 3. I became pregnant, but it was a chemical pregancy. As you can imagine, devastation is not even the right word to describe how we felt. We did wise up though and decided that there could be absolutely no harm in having my husband visit an andrologist (male specialist). The fertility doctor said we could try, but that there was usually nothing that they could do. After many tests, they found my husband to have a severe hormone imbalance. The imbalance was so bad that the andrologist in his 20 years of practice had never seen someone who's hormone were so off. The andrologist told my husband that in order for a man to be producing good quality semen, everything needs to be in balance. My husband was put on medication to correct this imbalance. Recent tests have indicated that his strict morphology has improved to 8% and his hormones are now balanced. We were so mad that we did not or we were not advised to see an andrologist in the beginning. So, this brings me back to the beginning. We are ready. Ready to try IVF a third time. I am so hopeful that since the hormones are fixed, we will have much better result. Keep you readers posted!